Technology, Blechnology March 02 2016

This should not be this hard. According to my sons, it isn't hard at all. But for me, as a person who interfaces easily with tangible things like people, or the ingredients I use to make my chocolates, or the garden plants I grow to nourish my family, or the paints I use to create art, interfacing with technology is hard.

I am trying to learn how to create and send an HTML email, so that the marketing emails I send look professional and actually entice people to my website. It seems like a modest goal, but the tutorials and youtube videos on the subject are filled with words and phrases so foreign to me that I might as well be trying to learn some obscure language comprised entirely of clicking sounds and grunts. My age has something to do with this, of course, as I did not grow up with computers, but I did start using one as a young adult, have used a variety of computers and devices in my work ever since, and I'm not stupid.

I know that I need to use a fluid layout, so the email looks good on any computer, device, or phone, but what are extra attributes, and why do I need to check for them? Why do my media queries need to remain intact? Why do my tables need 25px of breathing room? And how do I use inline CSS and FONT tags so the coding doesn't get stripped out?

I read this stuff and want to cry because I don't understand any of it. I know that I should, I know that I could, I just don't know where or how to begin. And I need to send an email again today.

So, I wonder this: is there a computer-savvy genius with a sweet tooth out there who would like to barter with a chocolate-savvy genius (that's me) and do this for me? Seriously, I will give someone free chocolate in exchange for creating HTML emails for me. Because the only phrase I actually understood in all those tutorials was "social media icons."